Clinical
by onlyonceinforever
Summary: Brian Cassidy reflects on his feelings toward his job after Uncivilized. :ONESHOT:


**Disclaimer: I don't own SVU, and if I did, do you _really_ think I would be writing fanfiction for it?**

**A/N: I got the idea for this one after re-watching the episode "Uncivilized" for the millionth time last night... That's also where Always came from... Good episode, that one. If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you do so.**

**Clinical**

Brian Cassidy lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He had been conscious for considerably longer than he would have liked, and it did not appear that sleep would be coming any time soon. More than anything, Brian wished it would. When he was asleep, he could forget about everything that was going on in his life, all the horrors he dealt with every day. Horrors that had been seriously affecting his personal life as of late. Yes, sleep was good. At least then he wouldn't be thinking about what had happened hours before.

Next to him, a brunette woman stirred. Brian looked over to see her gazing at him sleepily, a slightly confused look marring her tired face.

"Hey," he said softly, brushing back a piece of hair that had fallen in front of her face. She smiled wearily at him before responding.

"Hey..." she mumbled, voice quiet, somewhat groggy. "Wassa matter?"

"Nothing," Brian assured her, a wane grin playing on his lips. "Go back to sleep."

The woman gave him one last appraising glance before shrugging minutely and rolling back over. When Brian was sure she was asleep, his thought process continued where it had left off - with his job.

Brian liked his job, sure. What could be better than helping a victim get justice for a crime committed against them? But there was something about the job that ate away at him.

The normal amount of time spent in Special Victims was two years. Brian had been there for eight months and already could see why not many lasted longer than that. Why would anyone actually _choose_ to deal with sick psychos on a daily basis? And more importantly, who would want to continue doing it after the first few days on the job? Special Victims saw more of the twisted, horrendous world just beyond the sugar-coated veil in just a few days than most people saw in a lifetime. But the worst was the children.

No one could deal with the children. That was one of the first things Brian had learned when he transfered there. To be so young and to have gone through so much... It was inconceivable. After just one interview with a youth who had been sexually abused, you began to question everything about yourself. And to then be expected to go about your life as if nothing had happened... Insane.

Worse yet - if such a thing was even possible - was the effect it was having on Brian's personal life. He recalled a conversation he had had with Elliot earlier that day, about the difficulties of making love after hearing a woman describe her rape in horrifying detail... "_... All you see is a cervix, a uterus. It's the clinical stage. It lasts a while..." _ That's what he had said, and it certainly didn't help to reassure Brian that things got any better.

He cast a sidelong glance at the figure beside him, who was sleeping soundly. Brian clearly recalled the events that had taken place only hours before, when the two had just gotten back to his place. Everything had been going fine, until it came time for him to perform. Then he froze. Memories, images of crime scene photos flooded his consciousness. Blood pounded in his ears as the sounds of a recent rape victim recounted her story played through his mind. Suddenly the woman beneath him was no longer a thing a beauty and finesse, but rather an organism composed of parts bearing long, complex scientific names. He froze, unable to continue.

She understood, thankfully, having had a brother in the same field. But even despite her empathy, Brian was still ashamed of himself. He had said long ago that he wouldn't allow his work to interfere with his personal life. Yet, here he was, doing just that.

Brian sighed. If this was the way it was going to be... then maybe he didn't belong in Special Victims. What they dealt with; maybe it was more than he could handle.

_I'll stick it out,_ he decided finally, _for a little while longer, at least. _

With that, Brian shifted to his side and closed his eyes, sensing that blissful unconscious state coming for him at last.


End file.
